I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
