Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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