Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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