he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
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Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
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As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.