Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
