Soap is not a condiment
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
