People in love make me want to vomit
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
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