I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
