I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
