Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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