I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
