she looked like the before picture.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
