Yo dont text me then not text me
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
