hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
