hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
