Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
