Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
