I didn't shave. On purpose
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
