my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
