I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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