There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
