I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
