and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
