I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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