dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I think I just sharted jello shots
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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