you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
