I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Randomize
