i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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