if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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