i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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