why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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