We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
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Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
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and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar