Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
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All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
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Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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