Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
