Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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