I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
