I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
we're making bets on your personal life
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
