my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
