I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
