My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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