The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
