If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
