Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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