What did we do last night that was yellow?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
