How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
