I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
