So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
