woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
there is puke in my bra ... again
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
