He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
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Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
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Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
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