Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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