then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
This house was built for laser tag.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Randomize
