Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
