I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
