I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
