dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
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That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
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I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
you never un-have a 4some
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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