We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
