While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
