dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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