I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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