Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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