Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
